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So I have an oncology appointment tomorrow to look at a few little bumps I’ve had for a while now. It’s weird because the last appointment I had like this (to look at a suspicious lump) was preceded by the worst anxiety, fear and depression I have experienced yet. I was convinced the lump was a malignant lymph node and was the beginning of the end. But it turned out to be benign and all was well again.

These lumps initially provoked a similar reaction, although somewhat tempered by my positive experience with the last one, but I didn’t have a good explanation for them. They weren’t in typical lymph node places (one near each of my knees), but I didn’t have any other explanation other than cancer, so the appointment was scheduled.

Because of my doc’s schedule, I’ve been waiting for at least 2 weeks for this appointment, and the fact that I’ve made it this far is testament to how different my mindset is now. I think they are probably FINE (and found a likely explanation to them after sufficient Googling). I’ve had one positive experience with a biopsy now, so I know that the news isn’t always bad. I’ve also been mixing in a healthy amount of denial/ignoring the issue, since my appointment is when it is.

But now that the appointment is tomorrow, I can’t ignore it, and some of that fear is creeping back in. I also have the excellent anxiety gene that makes me think that maybe BECAUSE I’m not worrying enough about it, something bad will happen. I think part of that is also the PTSD-like stuff that came from the unexpected passing of Grandma Emmi. Now Peter and I are always on alert, waiting for the next bad thing to strike.

So tomorrow, I will do the normal morning routine (doze as long as Emmie allows me to, stagger out of bed, change a very stinky diaper, talk to my smiling, happy baby, and slowly shake off the fog), then in the afternoon, my friend Avedan will come over and craft with me (hooray for excellent distractions!), then head to the appointment in the afternoon.

Send good thoughts if you have them, but hopefully it will be a pretty uneventful appointment (although I’m somewhat anticipating at least one biopsy. Whee.).