Thanks to everyone who has reached out to us about my last post.
For those of you who have been reading since the Caring Bridge days, you’ll know that I sometimes like to use this space for my processing. Thankfully, there haven’t been too many urgent things requiring processing lately, but yesterday I did need a bit of that, and so what you read was me in the moment, trying to digest this new news.
I’m happy to report I am doing MUCH better now. I can put this into better perspective after a decent night’s sleep and a little time. Talking with Peter has also definitely helped a lot.
Thursday, I cognitively knew that this really was SO small, both in comparison to really big things and in reality. The mark is small, and I’ve now seen lots of pictures online that have convinced me that it will be practically unnoticeable if the treatments work well. While I *knew* that, I now also *feel* that.
Even yesterday, we went out with a friend and no one batted an eye at Emmie with her almost-black chin. It really just looks like she’s a typical toddler and fell on her face.
In thinking about it, I think the part that was hardest was the feeling of being blindsided. When she was diagnosed with torticollis, I hardly batted an eye because I had suspected *something* even if I didn’t know what. Obviously, the cancer diagnosis was a total shock, since my PCP had said “It’s probably nothing,” but I was careful for every step after that to prepare myself and educate myself to avoid that surprise again.
The reality: she’s FINE. Even if it’s an issue in the future, she’s fine NOW and we are doing everything we can to prevent any issues in the future. What more can we do? It was unnerving to hold her down and be a party to her pain and fear with NO warning. Neither of us were prepared. I hope that next time we can at least prepare for it and I can talk her through it a little more, or at least have some kind of soothing strategy in place. It was also unnerving to make a medical decision so quickly, with no time to research any pros/cons or look into best practices. Since yesterday, everything I’ve seen confirms this is the right thing to do, but in this day and age of Information, it feels weird to act solely on the advice of a doctor (my, how times have changed!).
Thank you all, again, for the expressions of support. I admit, I felt kind of guilty about it all because I KNOW it’s really not a big deal! Thank you for helping me feel that in my heart, too!
I also have to admit, I’m feeling pretty guilty. I didn’t write that post for any kind of praise, or comfort, or… well, anything really. I just wanted to share where I was at in that particular moment. Now that the immediate moment has passed, I now think about all of my friends who are facing much bigger challenges with their children with more grace and and courage every day. I am humbled by everyone’s kind comments, but really, now I just feel embarrassed. Thank you for the love.