Last night, we watched “We Bought a Zoo.” Very cute movie, but I had no idea the plot revolved around the death of the mother of a young family (and cancer is definitely hinted at). Awesome.
I actually felt like I was doing quite well until there was a scene with the dad, Matt Damon, and the adorable little girl where they talked about “catching the spirit” of her mother. And then she went and did the exact same gesture that Peter and I consider our most private and special: making a heart with her hands. Then I just couldn’t stop the tears.
One week from yesterday is the anniversary of my diagnosis. One week from today is the two year anniversary of Alicia’s passing.
I’ve been approaching this week with a weird mixture of anxiety and trepidation mixed with excitement and happiness. I’m so very happy and grateful I’ve made it another year, a year I truly didn’t think I would have. I never thought I would see my baby crawl, or eat food, or start to say her first words (I swear she’s starting to sign some words now, in addition to saying “mama”). I’m excited for good things to come. It seems so weird, but I’ve had the song “Something’s Coming” stuck in my head.
“Something’s coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!”
I have the auction to look forward to (working on that today, too), which is wonderful because that was one of the reasons I started doing it, so that I would have something positive happening right now. Alsol, we have started looking for a house (YAY). Lots still needs to fall into place, but so far, things are looking good.
But there is still the lingering fear that something awful and terrible will strike us from out of the blue, just as it has the past two Aprils after Easter. So I’m trying not to tempt fate with too much happiness right now. Maybe I’ll let out my breath when May rolls around…