anniversary, anxiety, cancer, development, Emmie, gratitude, happiness, love, Peter, worry
Last night, we watched “We Bought a Zoo.” Very cute movie, but I had no idea the plot revolved around the death of the mother of a young family (and cancer is definitely hinted at). Awesome.
I actually felt like I was doing quite well until there was a scene with the dad, Matt Damon, and the adorable little girl where they talked about “catching the spirit” of her mother. And then she went and did the exact same gesture that Peter and I consider our most private and special: making a heart with her hands. Then I just couldn’t stop the tears.
One week from yesterday is the anniversary of my diagnosis. One week from today is the two year anniversary of Alicia’s passing.
I’ve been approaching this week with a weird mixture of anxiety and trepidation mixed with excitement and happiness. I’m so very happy and grateful I’ve made it another year, a year I truly didn’t think I would have. I never thought I would see my baby crawl, or eat food, or start to say her first words (I swear she’s starting to sign some words now, in addition to saying “mama”). I’m excited for good things to come. It seems so weird, but I’ve had the song “Something’s Coming” stuck in my head.
“Something’s coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!”
I have the auction to look forward to (working on that today, too), which is wonderful because that was one of the reasons I started doing it, so that I would have something positive happening right now. Alsol, we have started looking for a house (YAY). Lots still needs to fall into place, but so far, things are looking good.
But there is still the lingering fear that something awful and terrible will strike us from out of the blue, just as it has the past two Aprils after Easter. So I’m trying not to tempt fate with too much happiness right now. Maybe I’ll let out my breath when May rolls around…
Bianca Sanchez said:
I totally get what you're saying here, even though it was my mom who had cancer (she's in remission now) it's always weird and annoying to see movies where someone has cancer and dies, especially when they say they have leukemia (what my mom had). But she's been in remission for a few years now and it's gotten better every time I see such a movie, so hopefully as time goes by it'll get better for you too!
Hooray for your mom! It's funny, I hadn't thought about it from the kid perspective, even though my mom is also a cancer survivor, but I had several people mention this. And yes, it has gotten better (there was a time when I literally could not have a singel reference to death AT ALL, which is harder than you might think). I was proud of myself because I was doing so well when it was SUCH a direct comparison. I think it was harder because of the timing, too. Thanks for writing 🙂
i completely understand what you wrote about the anniversary of your diagnosis. last year i was a mess leading up to the anniversary of that fateful call. i was so sure that something bad was going to happen on that day, i was anxious leading up to and it a bag of nerves on the actual day. although i wasn't waiting on any results, and it was a saturday, i was positive that my doctor was going to call my phone and tell me that they had bad news for me. i have already started to be a little anxious again about july rolling around. i hope that april is quiet for you….fingers and toes crossed.
Funny, mine is a Saturday too! I wonder if I'll feel bad on Thursday, too, since I got the news on a Thursday. Fingers and toes crossed that both of us continue to get no news (= good news!).
I have enjoyed this year with you so much, and I look forward to many more, hopefully a whole lifetime more to come 🙂
Me too 🙂