I have so many half-completed drafts sitting in WordPress, but I never seem to be able to finish them. Most of them are about big topics, big important Things I Want to Discuss. But maybe it’s the weight of them that’s slowing me down from finishing them (nothing bad, just things I want to talk about).
Things have been very calm here. Sometimes, it feels like it’s been a little too calm. The other day, Peter sent the text “Coming home.” It was much earlier than he normally comes home, and the text was so short, and just felt different from his normal texts somehow. I *immediately* began to think something was wrong, something had happened, maybe to one of his parents, and he was coming home early and didn’t want to call because he was too upset and off I spiraled into absolute panic over two words. This went beyond panic or worry, though. I was 100% convinced that something had happened and I immediately began to plan and plot out what I would need to do to deal with this (a friend was coming over in 15 minutes, should I call her and cancel? We would need alone time to regroup… etc.)
After I texted him back to make sure everything was OK. He called me a few minutes later (which were filled with worry-spiraling thoughts), and it turned out that it was a professional development day, so he was coming home a little early.
Literally. Nothing.
Things have been so calm that I think I invented this because I am often plagued with mild anxiety that our happiness is tempting the gods, in the same way that ancient Greeks never boasted about being too happy. I’d rather just keep coasting along, under Fate’s radar.
i can totally identify with your words. i am a stage III melanoma survivor (diagnosed in july 2010), completed a year long run of non-stop interferon treatments (after surgery) last fall. i too feel very anxious about tempting the cancer gods to look my direction, so i try to fly lower under the radar and not draw big attention to myself when there is good news (or even to really celebrate the end of treatment). i too started a blog last year and it has been tremendously helpful for me (alli's equilibrium) to get my thoughts out and for friends/family to know a lot of the thoughts going on in my head. thanks for sharing your words, although our experience is shared by melanoma and not something more positive, it is nice to know that you aren't alone. take good care.
Alli, thank you so much for reading and for sharing. I'll definitely be checking out your blog!