antepartum, cancer, Caring Bridge, drugs, love, music, Peter, random thoughts
I’ve briefly posted before about songs that have been in my mind, but I haven’t really explained how pervasive and timely these songs have been.
Like many (most?) people, I usually have a song stuck in my head. However, during all of this, the songs I’ve had stuck last a LOT longer (up to a week) and have very specific meanings, which have given me insight into my own subconscious.
When this was first all starting, and there were things I really wanted to happen, I had The Smiths “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” stuck on repeat in my head. It became almost like a chant that I was hardly even aware of. Interestingly, I wasn’t praying/pleading for a good outcome to the surgery with the song. Maybe that felt too presumptuous, or sacrilegious? In any case, the song seemed to work, since the stars aligned and people were able to help me out with the things I wanted to happen (maternity photos, dance party, etc).
After the first surgery, and before we got the biopsy news, I began to feel confident enough to have Florence + The Machine’s “The Dog Days are Over” stuck in my head. Alas, when we found out that the cancer had spread, I could not listen to that song again without crying, even as a motivational tool to try to imagine a time when it WOULD feel true.
In the hospital, I often had the line “I hope you don’t mind/I hope you don’t mind/That I put down in words/How wonderful life is/Now you’re in the world” from Elton John’s “Your Song.” This was a subconscious choice, and totally reflected how I felt about Peter and his incredible love and care for me and the baby.
While in the hospital, I also had Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” in my head. It was a positive song that helped me get pumped, but didn’t have the same “everything is OK now” feeling that “Dog Days” had. I just couldn’t feel like everything was definitely going to be OK, but I could feel positive about things (if that makes any sense at all).
Of course, since getting the great news yesterday, “Dog Days” has been my soundtrack and I now feel perfectly comfortable with that feeling of putting everything behind me.
Now that I’ve written all of this, I’m not sure if it makes any sense, since I am very much still on Vicodin 🙂 I do plan on updating this space with my reflections on this experience, so hopefully you still find these (drug-induced) ramblings interesting!