I typically wake up at least once in the wee hours, thanks to pregnancy, but I couldn’t go back to sleep this morning, as I started thinking about things I needed to do or remember to do in the morning. I think that’s normal for pregnant women at my stage in the game, but unfortunately all of my thoughts were around getting ready for surgery tomorrow (tomorrow now??? Eek!).
Anyway… here are some random thoughts on being pregnant with cancer, inspired by late night browsing of internet boards of women who are also due in June:
- People are talking about getting their “hospital bag” ready for labor. I’m also getting one ready, but for a very different kind of stay. It’s kind of nice, though, to have a practice run. Of course, lots of things will differ for each trip, but I’m sure there will be some similarities.
- Many of the women are also showing pictures of their adorably completed nurseries. While I know MANY people don’t (ever) have magazine-worthy nurseries, and having one is not even close to a necessity, it is something I was in the process of doing, but has since been sidetracked. It also may never look the way I was thinking, since we are going to put an extra bed in the middle of it to give us more housing flexibility for guests. Practicality trumps beauty here.
- Adults are very concerned about the bandage on my head. They usually think I’ve fallen. I don’t mind them thinking about it, but I don’t always want to talk about it. At the farmer’s market last weekend, when I was just so THRILLED to be out and about and NORMAL, a very nice and concerned vendor saw the preggo belly, the bandage and the giant Boulder Community Hospital water bottle I carry everywhere (thanks mom!) and tried to put one and one and one together to make three. I think I told her, “Nope, didn’t fall, just had surgery,” and left it at that, but it definitely shook me to have to think about what was really going on while I was out having fun. Denial is a very pleasant place to be many times!
- It’s getting easier to say “pregnant with cancer” and “I have cancer.” The last one was especially hard to say the very first time.
- I was reflecting with Maria, one of our doulas, yesterday about how birth and surgery are alike on some levels, but SO different on many. The biggest is that I can prepare for surgery by finding out as many details as possible so I can know what to expect. This is a helpful strategy for me. Birth is the TOTAL OPPOSITE. I have literally NO idea what to expect and no one will have any answers for me. I don’t know when, how, if I will need pain medication, if it will be safe for me to push, go natural, ANYTHING. I’m getting better and better about giving up control, but of course it’s still hard.
OK, I’m going to try to go back to sleep for an hour or so now. Good night/morning!